I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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