When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
