That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
