I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
