I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
