Where are you?
In a non slutty way
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
