First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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