The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
