do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
