the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
