I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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