True but thats because hes a fetus.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
