i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Pants are for mortals
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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