He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
