How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
