i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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