Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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