Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
