His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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