I just pynch a tree in the face
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
