I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
