Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
