I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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