What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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