I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
