I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
