Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
