I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
