I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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