She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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