Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
