She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
