He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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