someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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