I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Who died my cat blue again?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
