I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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