im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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