So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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