i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
