You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
