Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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