I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
