I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
