If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
