I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
