Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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