i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
