Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
