he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
