I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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