I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
